Sunset

When was the last time I saw the sunset?  I thought about that today on my drive home because during tgat drive, for the first time in a while I saw one. Obviously because of the change of the seasons anytime I left previously the sun was already down.  But in addition to that I always work past sundown and that will continue into the summer. It's a sad thing really. The world is so beautiful at sunset.

Numbers

Here's the thing about my job. It's unrealistic to the point of being laughable. Most of the goals set up for people or groups to take on are particularly stupid. The truth of the matter is that they expect every person to perform as well as the top performer.  Every player the Tom Brady of their position.  One of the best.  (That's the only football analogy I'll use because I don't know too much about football). Moving forward though understand that they need more numbers and higher profits. But it seems they're willing ro simply shut down people's lives for it and that's something that I believe is wrong. Maybe it's because I've been here since the beginning and I remember what its like to feel like you're cared about.  That I could talk to the CEO. But we've grown so much and so many rungs have been added to the ladder above me it's like I don't even exist anymore. And I have a big roll communicating between almost all of the departments but now I have more bosses than I can count people who don't understand how this works and why numbers fluctuate in certain patterns. They don't care they just want more. And I understand that's what they're there for. Bosses want results but man, at the cost of the lives of their employees. It's horrible.

Yawn.

I think the time I hate this place the most is when I'm tired. I just think a lot about how little sleep I'm getting on top of how much time I don't have. It's stupid how much time I spend here when I coukd be doing something else. Something more productive than this. I need to get back to school and I need to get in shape.  I made a joke about dying young from heart disease but that's an actual thing that can happen as a result of spending so much time here. Look at my boss, he's fat and he doesn't even care. He's here all the time.

Fuck man.  I hate feeling restricted...or constricted?  Yeah,  constricted. Like I'm in a bind and I can't get out.  Oh well. I think I need to make a change,  but where?

This is it?

This is what I like. That was easy. Just a little bit ago I was talking about how I'd didn't know what I liked or what enjoyed but soon after I finished it I realized that was what I liked. Maybe it's just venting and getting my thoughts out I'm not sure but I like this it clears my mind and I can do it from mt phone.  Easy right.  Much more simple than some of the other things I was thinking of.

But this feels good like I've grasped a part of me back. Maybe I'm I am overreacting and maybe tomorrow I'll be done with this but right now I like it and it feels good. 

I don't really want to go back into the office. I'm enjoying this too much. Putting mt thoughts down in writing.  Doesn't even matter if someone reads or not. The act itself is satisfying. But I must work because getting in trouble is not on my list of things to do today. Oh well. Maybe when I return home I can write more.

My health

I worry about my health working here. The 50-60 hour weeks are augmented by the hour drive. The cumulative 60-70 leaves me with little time to focus on my well being. I'm expected to throw my entire being into the work.

That leaves me wonder what's to become of me. I'm terrified of getting the standard treatment of working males in this day and age. Plagued by heart disease and an early death.

That brings me to another point.  My mental health seems like it can barely hold together as of late. I'm not even sure what I enjoy or who I am.

I had time off last week and I found that I had forgotten my hobbies and passions. Or maybe not that I had forgotten but that I had lost my drive to complete them to even try. Filled with doubts such as what's the point, I won't be able to continue this anyway once my little vacation ends. The thought of a life like that drives me insane.  I know I used to enjoy things I used to have passion an drive to complete things but not I feel ashamed that I'm content to simply browse the web for a little before bed.

It's like I'm looking in the mirror and watching myself fade into a husk of myself.

I'm sorry, in being melodramatic.  But I guess that's the way I've been feeling lately. But this helped. And I feel a little bit better I think.

Post 1

I'm so mad. I don't even know why. Maybe it's just this building itself that sends me into this mood. Maybe it's the atmosphere.  I'm not sure. It's the fact that I get no satisfaction whatsoever from being here or working here. It's the lack of vision or ambition. I feel like I'm pressing against a ceiling and it just won't give.

It's this place. I hate it. But I need it. I can't make this kind of money anywhere else. This is what happens without a college degree. You get trapped in a place that you don't want to be.