I should be grateful to have a job. I think that all the time, every day. I know so many other people are grateful. I know so many other people understand how lucky they are to have stable well paying work. Even I understand that, so why does it seem so easy for other people to be happy and enjoy what they do, and I'm just this ungrateful sniveling brat?
I don't feel like I'm trying to be like this. More often than not, when I am thinking about what I'm doing and how lucky I am to keep doing this I come to that conclusion that it's just me. I'm the odd one out and I just need to suck it up and keep going.
Honestly, I'm not sure of what exactly is the issue here, whether it's me not being built for this environment or I'm just a slacker. I'm not sure, but that's what's on my mind right now.
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
The Portrait
What are my passions? I mean I really love to write but is really something I could do for a living? And am I really good at it, enough to make money off of it? So many questions that I don't have answers, while I sit here and feel like I'm whittling my life away at this desk. It's a frustrating situation. Many people have given me advice on what to do. To just jump, and hope I reach the other side seems like the most prevalent. Some people say otherwise, that I'm smarter than that, or better. That I can in fact do this job and find success, but can I find happiness and joy? Can I get a sense of satisfaction here, or am I just doomed to work without emotion and be grey all the time?
Someone once told me that you are shaped by your five closest friends. But looking at them,I don't see anything that I want to be. Not that they're bad people, or below me or anything of that sort. It's just their life choices, and what they're doing are not what I want to be doing. I don't know what I want to do. I've defined my life but certain parameters for so long feel like I never really go to know myself as well as I'd want.
When I look in the mirror it's like looking at an unfinished painting. Parts shine and are colorful and they stand out, but there's so many pieces missing at this point that I feel like should have been filled already. I've filled out all these pieces of knowing what I like and what I don't like in terms of morality and personality. But there's this big chunk of passion, that I'm missing.
I'm not happy with what I'm doing, nor am I happy with where I'm going right now and I don't know how to change it. I'm afraid, and I wish I knew what to do, but instead here I am, pen in my hand lost in land that I can't comprehend.
Someone once told me that you are shaped by your five closest friends. But looking at them,I don't see anything that I want to be. Not that they're bad people, or below me or anything of that sort. It's just their life choices, and what they're doing are not what I want to be doing. I don't know what I want to do. I've defined my life but certain parameters for so long feel like I never really go to know myself as well as I'd want.
When I look in the mirror it's like looking at an unfinished painting. Parts shine and are colorful and they stand out, but there's so many pieces missing at this point that I feel like should have been filled already. I've filled out all these pieces of knowing what I like and what I don't like in terms of morality and personality. But there's this big chunk of passion, that I'm missing.
I'm not happy with what I'm doing, nor am I happy with where I'm going right now and I don't know how to change it. I'm afraid, and I wish I knew what to do, but instead here I am, pen in my hand lost in land that I can't comprehend.
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
A long post.
Working in a cubicle is a terrible life. Not that I'm trying to disrespect people who do it, and I guess it really depends on the cubicle you're working in. I work in one right now, doing repetitive mindless work day after day, week after week, year after year. It's difficult and odd and I don't even understand how it's a thing that people are okay with doing. I'm certainly not okay with it. It's not something I'm passionate about, it's not even something that I vaguely like.
Now let me tell you what I am passionate about, what really drives me. It's quite odd actually, and I think the place where I work matched against my passion is like putting oil and water together. you can mix and mix and mix but it will always separate. I love motivating people, I love making people feel better and giving them hope. I look at these motivational speakers everywhere and I think to myself, I want to help people. Make them realize their dreams and passions. but maybe it's not just that? I disagree with corporations and fortune 500 companies and this general idea that you have to settle when it comes to your life, that making other people money is the big deal in life. I hate that a CEO, a board of directors, a person with some fancy abbreviated title thinks that they deserve 70% of the profits while their lowest employee can barely survive.
Now I'm not saying that every person that works in a company should be getting equal shares and I'm not saying that the owner doesn't deserve a lot of money. But when you have so much money that you couldn't spend it all even if you tried, and your lowest employee can't even afford rent, see that's a n issue. That's a problem and that's what makes the world wrong.
How can people, not people companies, even let themselves do things like lobby for a lower minimum wage, lobby for more ways to underpay employees, to treat employees badly. What kind of country do we live, what kind of world do we live in? Don't tell me it's corrupt because I know that's not the case.
I believe that people are inherently good, we're not creatures of evil. Maybe misguided, or ignorant but not evil. Good people, we hold the majority here in the world, and yet by sloth, by way of laziness. Or maybe simply by way of misinformation, we are constantly stepped on, again and again by corporations and big business.
Social media is a wasted tool. I love cats and funny jokes as much as the next guy, but the fact of the matter is, this tool that could unite all of us is a waste of time and energy. We are only ever distracted, we are only ever wasting our time. We have the ability to rally from New Jersey to Hawaii. To stand together as one in our protest of what is deemed "Minimal wage" in what is deemed "Standard of living" terms and words that are thrown about and so destroyed by liars and thieves.
How do we not stand together, how do we not make a cry. We can make a cry when a celebrity dies, we can make a sound when somebody hurts an animal, when a man is shot, when corruption and injustice is so plain to see. And yet when it's on us, when we are being accosted and destroyed and spat on. Who cries out what are we doing? Why are we even letting this happen? Almost nobody. sure there are voices, but they are so far apart and quiet next tot he white noise ofeverything else, it's hard to see, hard to know what's going on.
Information controlled by the media. News blocked by ignorance. The more ignorant we are, the more easy it is to keep us that way. Look at the Arab Spring, look at the revolutions all over the middle east and Europe.
We need that here, but as of right now, as we stand apart there's not a thing we can do. And as much as I love to speak and to motivate and to talk, I don't feel like I know how to do it. It's frustrating, but I need to figure it out. How can millions rally for Kony in 2012, but none can rally for better living conditions and better opportunity in 2015?
Why do we spend billions on the military and our public schools still suck. How can we be required to go to school and yet what we learn is useless. We are taught world history and economics of other countries. We are taught the very basics of politics, but it is not drilled into our heads and socially we believe there's not a thing we can do. Why do you need to be a certain age to run for president, why do you need to be elected by a party, why in certain states are you not even allowed to run unless you are part of one of a two party system. Questions that aren't asked can't be answered. But I think the answer to these questions are clear.
I've rambled so long and my topic so inconsistent that I wouldn't blame you for thinking I'm crazy, but I hope you understand that sometimes you just need to let it all out in order to think clearly. I hope you readers do the same.
Now let me tell you what I am passionate about, what really drives me. It's quite odd actually, and I think the place where I work matched against my passion is like putting oil and water together. you can mix and mix and mix but it will always separate. I love motivating people, I love making people feel better and giving them hope. I look at these motivational speakers everywhere and I think to myself, I want to help people. Make them realize their dreams and passions. but maybe it's not just that? I disagree with corporations and fortune 500 companies and this general idea that you have to settle when it comes to your life, that making other people money is the big deal in life. I hate that a CEO, a board of directors, a person with some fancy abbreviated title thinks that they deserve 70% of the profits while their lowest employee can barely survive.
Now I'm not saying that every person that works in a company should be getting equal shares and I'm not saying that the owner doesn't deserve a lot of money. But when you have so much money that you couldn't spend it all even if you tried, and your lowest employee can't even afford rent, see that's a n issue. That's a problem and that's what makes the world wrong.
How can people, not people companies, even let themselves do things like lobby for a lower minimum wage, lobby for more ways to underpay employees, to treat employees badly. What kind of country do we live, what kind of world do we live in? Don't tell me it's corrupt because I know that's not the case.
I believe that people are inherently good, we're not creatures of evil. Maybe misguided, or ignorant but not evil. Good people, we hold the majority here in the world, and yet by sloth, by way of laziness. Or maybe simply by way of misinformation, we are constantly stepped on, again and again by corporations and big business.
Social media is a wasted tool. I love cats and funny jokes as much as the next guy, but the fact of the matter is, this tool that could unite all of us is a waste of time and energy. We are only ever distracted, we are only ever wasting our time. We have the ability to rally from New Jersey to Hawaii. To stand together as one in our protest of what is deemed "Minimal wage" in what is deemed "Standard of living" terms and words that are thrown about and so destroyed by liars and thieves.
How do we not stand together, how do we not make a cry. We can make a cry when a celebrity dies, we can make a sound when somebody hurts an animal, when a man is shot, when corruption and injustice is so plain to see. And yet when it's on us, when we are being accosted and destroyed and spat on. Who cries out what are we doing? Why are we even letting this happen? Almost nobody. sure there are voices, but they are so far apart and quiet next tot he white noise ofeverything else, it's hard to see, hard to know what's going on.
Information controlled by the media. News blocked by ignorance. The more ignorant we are, the more easy it is to keep us that way. Look at the Arab Spring, look at the revolutions all over the middle east and Europe.
We need that here, but as of right now, as we stand apart there's not a thing we can do. And as much as I love to speak and to motivate and to talk, I don't feel like I know how to do it. It's frustrating, but I need to figure it out. How can millions rally for Kony in 2012, but none can rally for better living conditions and better opportunity in 2015?
Why do we spend billions on the military and our public schools still suck. How can we be required to go to school and yet what we learn is useless. We are taught world history and economics of other countries. We are taught the very basics of politics, but it is not drilled into our heads and socially we believe there's not a thing we can do. Why do you need to be a certain age to run for president, why do you need to be elected by a party, why in certain states are you not even allowed to run unless you are part of one of a two party system. Questions that aren't asked can't be answered. But I think the answer to these questions are clear.
I've rambled so long and my topic so inconsistent that I wouldn't blame you for thinking I'm crazy, but I hope you understand that sometimes you just need to let it all out in order to think clearly. I hope you readers do the same.
Friday, April 17, 2015
Friday Afternoon
I can't stand behind the idea that depriving people of time outside is a good idea. Not that I'm terribly offended or upset, but after just during a little walk outside of my building and looking around the complex I watched the people leaving from their other jobs. There was music playing from a car, people chatting, birds chirping and it was just beautiful outside, and I realize that missing out on those kinds of things, that feeling on a Friday after noon is a terrible tragedy. That's really all, it's not as if it's something I can fix, but it does leave me nostalgic for those high school afternoons filled with the same kind of atmosphere.
Happy?
Usually I use this blog for venting frustrations, so it becomes a bit more difficult to maintain when I'm not in a terrible mood. Odd how that works isn't it? You'd think when I was happy I'd be more inspired to write, but maybe not so much. Maybe I'm just focusing some time on some things elsewhere. I'm not really sure what I've been doing instead of this, just random things.
Not that I'm not still upset with the current situation here. I still disagree with a lot oft hings, but I'm just on a more positive swing right now I guess. Maybe it was the realization that I don't need to be here, I an leave anytime I want, and as long as I'm putting time into figuring that out then, maybe things aren't so bad.
I'm ready for change, that I know. The fire inside me still burns, but instead of burning with rage and despair it's filled more with hope and passion. The desire to create is inside me and I'm trying that, outside of the realm of writing, but still none the less creation is blossoming.
But that's all for now. Maybe I'll come back soon? Hopefully, I do enjoy this still. :)
Not that I'm not still upset with the current situation here. I still disagree with a lot oft hings, but I'm just on a more positive swing right now I guess. Maybe it was the realization that I don't need to be here, I an leave anytime I want, and as long as I'm putting time into figuring that out then, maybe things aren't so bad.
I'm ready for change, that I know. The fire inside me still burns, but instead of burning with rage and despair it's filled more with hope and passion. The desire to create is inside me and I'm trying that, outside of the realm of writing, but still none the less creation is blossoming.
But that's all for now. Maybe I'll come back soon? Hopefully, I do enjoy this still. :)
Friday, April 3, 2015
Respect.
Respect is not given freely, it is earned and anyone who you think is giving it to you for free is simply a kiss-ass. How do you run a successful business? With respect. Respect your worker, appreciate their woker. You don't have to like them but you have to respect them. If you work in a place without respect then you work somewhere where maximum potential has not been realized and never will be realized. Every goal is met with brute force and un-efficiently. Throw money at a problem until it goes away, throw money at something until a goal is met. Seems like crappy was to run a business. If only more people understood that. If only the world understood that, but unfortunately our ways are still set in the dark ages. Idiotic and outdated thinking still run this world, and that's just damn shame.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
What do I do?
So I honestly feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm tired. No, you don't understand, I'm really fucking tired. And I made a point not to curse in this blog, but I feel like that real emphasized how I feel. I'm so tired that I can't even think straight anymore. No really. My thoughts move in loops of nothing. I can feel like I'm falling into the deepest pits of despair and the only way out is hidden. I'm trapped and I hate it. I'm just so frustrated. What do I do? Seriously. What do I do? I can't do this anymore.
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