Boring!

I don't really know what I like. No, that's not right. I don't really like boring. I read somewhere once that if you feel like Life is boring, you may be depressed. I'm not really sure how to feel about that? Maybe it's some kind of coping mechanism for that bland, dull feeling you get when you're depressed. That gray feeling is defined as boring instead of melancholy.

One of the things that was asked, to help the reader define what they were feeling, was if you considered yourself boring. I very much don't consider myself boring. At least I usually don't, but on a recent visit to family I realized that, when asked what was going on in my life, a dull nothing was all that came to mind. I had to scrape the recesses of my memory to find some of the things that had happened recently that were at least semi interesting. Does that mean that I'm boring? I highly doubt that. I just feel like nothing of any interest happens to me.

So we come to a stand still, an impasse. Am I depressed or is my life literally boring? I lean towards the latter, but logically it's more likely a mix of both. Oh well!

Update!

I applied for college today, it's about time I started to get some things in order. Maybe getting a degree in something I enjoy will allow me to finally move forward and feel like I'm accomplishing something with my life. Not that I feel unaccomplished, I've done plenty, but I really want a purpose that I can stand behind. And so I'm going to follow my dreams and go to school, and get a degree and help people in any way I can, because where I'm at now does not feel like I fulfill a purpose. So wish me good luck, and stay tuned, the best has yet to come.

Being Grateful.

I should be grateful to have a job. I think that all the time, every day. I know so many other people are grateful. I know so many other people understand how lucky they are to have stable well paying work. Even I understand that, so why does it seem so easy for other people to be happy and enjoy what they do, and I'm just this ungrateful sniveling brat?

I don't feel like I'm trying to be like this. More often than not, when I am thinking about what I'm doing and how lucky I am to keep doing this I come to that conclusion that it's just me. I'm the odd one out and I just need to suck it up and keep going.

Honestly, I'm not sure of what exactly is the issue here, whether it's me not being built for this environment or I'm just a slacker. I'm not sure, but that's what's on my mind right now.

The Portrait

What are my passions? I mean I really love to write but is really something I could do for a living? And am I really good at it, enough to make money off of it? So many questions that I don't have answers, while I sit here and feel like I'm whittling my life away at this desk. It's a frustrating situation. Many people have given me advice on what to do. To just jump, and hope I reach the other side seems like the most prevalent. Some people say otherwise, that I'm smarter than that, or better. That I can in fact do this job and find success, but can I find happiness and joy? Can I get a sense of satisfaction here, or am I just doomed to work without emotion and be grey all the time?

Someone once told me that you are shaped by your five closest friends. But looking at them,I don't see anything that I want to be. Not that they're bad people, or below me or anything of that sort. It's just their life choices, and what they're doing are not what I want to be doing. I don't know what I want to do. I've defined my life but certain parameters for so long  feel like I never really go to know myself as well as I'd want.

When I look in the mirror it's like looking at an unfinished painting. Parts shine and are colorful and they stand out, but there's so many pieces missing at this point that I feel like should have been filled already. I've filled out all these pieces of knowing what I like and what I don't like in terms of morality and personality. But there's this big chunk of passion, that I'm missing.

I'm not happy with what I'm doing, nor am I happy with where I'm going right now and I don't know how to change it. I'm afraid, and I wish I knew what to do, but instead here I am, pen in my hand lost in land that I can't comprehend.

A long post.

Working in a cubicle is a terrible life. Not that I'm trying to disrespect people who do it, and I guess it really depends on the cubicle you're working in. I work in one right now, doing repetitive mindless work day after day, week after week, year after year. It's difficult and odd and I don't even understand how it's a thing that people are okay with doing. I'm certainly not okay with it. It's not something I'm passionate about, it's not even something that I vaguely like.

Now let me tell you what I am passionate about, what really drives me. It's quite odd actually, and I think the place where I work matched against my passion is like putting oil and water together. you can mix and mix and mix but it will always separate. I love motivating people, I love making people feel better and giving them hope. I look at these motivational speakers everywhere and I think to myself, I want to help people. Make them realize their dreams and passions. but maybe it's not just that? I disagree with corporations and fortune 500 companies and this general idea that you have to settle when it comes to your life, that making other people money is the big deal in life. I hate that a CEO, a board of directors, a person with some fancy abbreviated title thinks that they deserve 70% of the profits while their lowest employee can barely survive.

Now I'm not saying that every person that works in a company should be getting equal shares and I'm not saying that the owner doesn't deserve a lot of money. But when you have so much money that you couldn't spend it all even if you tried, and your lowest employee can't even afford rent, see that's a n issue. That's a problem and that's what makes the world wrong.

How can people, not people companies, even let themselves do things like lobby for a lower minimum wage, lobby for more ways to underpay employees, to treat employees badly. What kind of country do we live, what kind of world do we live in? Don't tell me it's corrupt because I know that's not the case.

I believe that people are inherently good, we're not creatures of evil. Maybe misguided, or ignorant but not evil. Good people, we hold the majority here in the world, and yet by sloth, by way of laziness. Or maybe simply by way of  misinformation, we are constantly stepped on, again and again by corporations and big business.

Social media is a wasted tool. I love cats and funny jokes as much as the next guy, but the fact of the matter is, this tool that could unite all of us is a waste of time and energy. We are only ever distracted, we are only ever wasting our time. We have the ability to rally from New Jersey to Hawaii. To stand together as one in our protest of what is deemed "Minimal wage" in what is deemed "Standard of living" terms and words that are thrown about and so destroyed by liars and thieves.

How do we not stand together, how do we not make a cry. We can make a cry when a celebrity dies, we can make a sound when somebody hurts an animal, when a man is shot, when corruption and injustice is so plain to see. And yet when it's on us, when we are being accosted and destroyed and spat on. Who cries out what are we doing? Why are we even letting this happen? Almost nobody. sure there are voices, but they are so far apart and quiet next tot he white noise ofeverything else, it's hard to see, hard to know what's going on.

Information controlled by the media. News blocked by ignorance. The more ignorant we are, the more easy it is to keep us that way. Look at the Arab Spring, look at the revolutions all over the middle east and Europe.

We need that here, but as of right now, as we stand apart there's not a thing we can do. And as much as I love to speak and to motivate and to talk, I don't feel like I know how to do it. It's frustrating, but I need to figure it out. How can millions rally for Kony in 2012, but none can rally for better living conditions and better opportunity in 2015?

Why do we spend billions on the military and our public schools still suck. How can we be required to go to school and yet what we learn is useless. We are taught world history and economics of other countries. We are taught the very basics of politics, but it is not drilled into our heads and socially we believe there's not a thing we can do. Why do you need to be a certain age to run for president, why do you need to be elected by a party, why in certain states are you not even allowed to run unless you are part of one of a two party system. Questions that aren't asked can't be answered. But I think the answer to these questions are clear.

I've rambled so long and my topic so inconsistent that I wouldn't blame you for thinking I'm crazy, but I hope you understand that sometimes you just need to let it all out in order to think clearly. I hope you readers do the same.

Friday Afternoon

I can't stand behind the idea that depriving people of time outside is a good idea. Not that I'm terribly offended or upset, but after just during a little walk outside of my building and looking around the complex I watched the people leaving from their other jobs. There was music playing from a car, people chatting, birds chirping and it was just beautiful outside, and I realize that missing out on those kinds of things, that feeling on a Friday after noon is a terrible tragedy. That's really all, it's not as if it's something I can fix, but it does leave me nostalgic for those high school afternoons filled with the same kind of atmosphere.

Happy?

Usually I use this blog for venting frustrations, so it becomes a bit more difficult to maintain when I'm not in a terrible mood. Odd how that works isn't it? You'd think when I was happy I'd be more inspired to write, but maybe not so much. Maybe I'm just focusing some time on some things elsewhere. I'm not really sure what I've been doing instead of this, just random things.

Not that I'm not still upset with the current situation here. I still disagree with a lot oft hings, but I'm just on a more positive swing right now I guess. Maybe it was the realization that I don't need to be here, I an leave anytime I want, and as long as I'm putting time into figuring that out then, maybe things aren't so bad.

I'm ready for change, that I know. The fire inside me still burns, but instead of burning with rage and despair it's filled more with hope and passion. The desire to create is inside me and I'm trying that, outside of the realm of writing, but still none the less creation is blossoming.


But that's all for now. Maybe I'll come back soon? Hopefully, I do enjoy this still. :)

Respect.

Respect is not given freely, it is earned and anyone who you think is giving it to you for free is simply a kiss-ass. How do you run a successful business? With respect. Respect your worker, appreciate their woker. You don't have to like them but you have to respect them. If you work in a place without respect then you work somewhere where maximum potential has not been realized and never will be realized. Every goal is met with brute force and un-efficiently. Throw money at a problem until it goes away, throw money at something until a goal is met. Seems like crappy was to run a business. If only more people understood that. If only the world understood that, but unfortunately our ways are still set in the dark ages. Idiotic and outdated thinking still run this world, and that's just damn shame.

What do I do?

So I honestly feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm tired. No, you don't understand, I'm really fucking tired. And I made a point not to curse in this blog, but I feel like that real emphasized how I feel. I'm so tired that I can't even think straight anymore. No really. My thoughts move in loops of nothing. I can feel like I'm falling into the deepest pits of despair and the only way out is hidden. I'm trapped and I hate it. I'm just so frustrated. What do I do? Seriously. What do I do? I can't do this anymore.

Artificial Dreams

I'm concerned for my own well being, not physically, but mentally more than anything. I'm so tired of being tired all the time. The logic is senseless and useless. The outdated mentality that in order for a business to be productive you have to suck the lives and health of your employees simply baffles me. It's our blood, sweat and tears that are converted into money. I feel like dreams of something reasonable have gone out the window with the revelation that I may have to work my life away. I don't have time to do much else other than work, and that's not living to me, that's dying the slowest possible death.

I look at my life as it is now and see a decaying corpse; a zombie, moving, yet not alive. I wonder if I am really me anymore and I doubt that this is such as grand an opportunity as I had previously thought. sure I can make, sure I can have money, but at the cost of what? My dreams, aspirations, and hopes? At the cost of who I am? I already know the me from a couple years ago is dying. He hates this, and it's making him sick. What I thought was simply a cold has become a cancer of the soul. Eating away at what I once held dear. I'm told that those who I work for are good men, and I want to believe that, but can those who hold money so dear as to grind into dust those who earn it sends me morally spiraling. I hope that the messenger is the one who contorts and destroys the message, but it's beginning to seem as if nobody has the truth or wants to give the truth.

A corporation is not a person. A corporation is not a person. A corporation is not a person. But the lifeblood of one is a collection of people. But blood is easily replaceable. Easily forgotten. Only the brain, the heart the essential organs are important and even some of those are replaceable. But they all forget about the blood. And they forget that if they lose too much blood at once, they all die too. Just like you take care of your body you need to take care of your people. But I guess that's too much to ask.

Burnout.

I'm tired man. Really tired, I can't keep this up. I shouldn't even have started, I should have said no. I'm burning out faster than I'd like and I'm seeing the symptoms.

"Burnout is caused by stressors that a person is unable to cope with fully. Occupational burnout often develops slowly and may not be recognized until it has become severe. When one's expectations about a job and its reality differ, burnout can begin. ^[1]

Symptoms of burnout include dysfunctional attitudes towards work, exhaustion, loss of motivation, distress, and feelings of ineffectiveness"

Yeah, that's a good description right there. Additionally, absurdly long hours also don't contribute well to this feeling. I don't really have much else to say right now, I'm just too tired.

Fair?

As much as I'd like to be, I can't be happy with this place. There's too much going on all the time that I don't agree with. What am I supposed to do when the grass is dying on the other side? I'm given fertilizer, water and sunlight but when a look at the other side, the other people and everything looks terrible, and the sun has been blocked out. It's not okay, not okay at all, and it happens all too frequently here. There's a vast different between the golden children and the re headed step children. There's no in between. And being on the top and looking down only gives me a much wider view of the destruction plaguing them.

But ugh. What can be done about it? I speak, I speak a lot, but maybe I just need more doing.

Friday the 13th

I'm struggling today, more so than most days. I'm not mad, I'm not sad I'm simply apathetic. I couldn't will myself to car even if I wanted to. there's not much motivation for today, maybe it's because I finally saw my best friend for the first time in over a year. It just makes me yearn for simpler times. Or maybe today is just the Friday the 13th jitters. I'm not even sure how to describe the feelings I'm having today. I just want to go home.

Just not feeling it

I'm just not feeling it today. I'm really ready to just go home and go back to bed. I feel like I could fill today with one long sigh and that would be exactly how I'm feeling right now. No really, forget this. It's like office space, I just don't care. I wish I had other options. I just need time to think and I feel like I don't ever have that.

Spring!?

I hate having days off, all they remind me of is my time constraints and how much I could be doing if it wasn't for those constraints. I took my girlfriend out to lunch for the first time in forever and I got a bunch of errands done that I never could have have done otherwise. It's just a constant reminder of what I could be doing if I was working normal hours. I could be living a normal life, instead of this hollowed out version devoid of any real presence. With spring upon us, or at least a few warm days it sucks even worse than previously posted, now I know the weather is right for doing the things I'd like to do but that isn't something that can happen. It's just annoying is all, but I'm hoping with the changes coming at work it won't be for too much longer that I'll have to suffer through this madness.

Stretch

I've mentioned fate before here. It's not something in fond of still. I'd like to think that my future is in my hands. But, others I just wish I could let go and put my faith,  my future,  into someone else's hands. I'm not sure where I stand on religion.  I want to be this faithful person, but I just can't force myself to do it. But I'd like it if I could just relax a little bit. Just have that blind faith that things will turn out alright.

I'm not against hard work and achieving my goals with my own two hands. In fact I idolize those who do that.  At times the feeling of being trapped where I am drives me insane. I know logically I'm not, I could quit and be done with it, but also logically I have bills to pay and I can't afford to quit.

I don't know. I really don't know anything,  I just ramble like a mad man and I don't follow through as well as I should.

I'm happy with my life, but I'm not content.  Or maybe I'm saying that because my frame of reference is worldly.  I'm not homeless or starving.  I have an education,  friends and family. I'm grateful for those things. But in the frame of just my life, I do want more.

For some people it just falls into their lap.  Forget them.  I'm gonna do it with these hands for myself.  No fate, no destiny. I'm going to do it.

Workplace Pioneer

I just can't even will myself to care anymore. I'm too tired, far too tired to even acknowledge this place. I don't think I've been this done in a long time. Too may hours too little outside life, and I can't do it, honestly. It's stretching me thin and burning me out. I miss my bed, I miss my things, I miss my family. I think most of my family and how little Is see them as of late. I always said once I got a car I'd visit them as often as I could, but with hours like these, that's not very often and I hate that more than anything. I miss them.

When I was younger I went on a hike, but not just any hike. It was a 3 day hike simulating pioneers, we had to pull these carts loaded with food and gear up and down hills for hours and hours from sun up until sun down in the heat of summer. I specifically remember one night laying down on the ground to sleep, staring up at the sky and thinking to my self "I'm so tired right now, death sounds like a relief." Don't get me wrong, I am by no means suicidal, but at that point in time I felt like sleeping forever would be the only real restful sleep I could get.

I use that story as a sort of measuring point in my life, as in "Well I'm not as tired as I was then, so I can probably continue onwards." I never thought I would reach a point like that again in my life, not unless it was by my own will to do some crazy hike again. But this, this surpasses that, it's a walk without respite, a journey with no end. And that's how tired I feel. When I lay down at night I think to myself "I don't want to do this anymore. I just want to sleep."

I'm not fond of that feeling, not one bit. It would be on thing if I were at my dream job and I was tired because I enjoyed my work. But none of that is true, and the result is this. I'm tired, and I can't do this anymore.

Tomfoolery: How to die a slow death.

This job is affecting my relationship. The hours are making me irritable and I feel like when I get tired I stop thinking rationally. I blame my significant other for things that aren't really her fault. I'm not okay with feeling like this, or with doing these things. It's not me, it's not who I am. The hours are too long and it creates tension between me and her. She worries and she's right to be worried. I'm afraid of falling asleep at the wheel and I'm afraid of not waking up in the morning due to exhaustion.

Every morning it gets harder and harder to wake up and I care less and less about even showing up. There's a large part of me that says I should just stop showing up, stay in bed and get some sleep. My girlfriend asked me the other day if I am one of those people who are willing to be miserable for the sake of money. I didn't really have an answer for her. I'm not willing to return to making chump change at my local grocer, nor was I even happy with my previous lifestyle, but I'm not particularly happy here as well. I'm torn between making money and being happy. Money doesn't equal happiness, but it does help regardless of what anyone says.

The Tl;dr of the matter is, I'm tired of this place and the shenanigans associated with it. It's wrong on too many levels, and it's affecting me in too strong of a way.

Secrecy and miners.

What's the motivation behind this place. So much is cloaked in shadow and mystery.  I understand that a lot of what goes on behind the scenes is mostly for leadership eyes only. But too much of it affects our work at the bottom. Even my boss is only privy to some of what's going on up above. It seems like a bad practice to inhibit productivity on the basis of...what? Secrecy?  Because you know better? 

Listen to me for a second.  If I owned a mining company,  and my executives and senior management all sat in an office building with me, who would know how to mine better? Me or the guys down in the mine shafts?

That's the kind of backwards thinking that is affecting businesses these days. Nobody thinks that the guy running the show at the bottom knows anything and yet they expect them to follow the what they say to a T and even to go beyond that.

If I tell my imaginary miners that we're switching their tools to a new drill that we say is better, but in reality when they use it they tell me it sucks, should I ignore that and ask why productivity is low or pay attention, realize the mistake and give back the more efficient equipment.

It's stupid to ignore the complaints and issues from the people who know best or at least have the experience.  Because until you are down in that mine, understanding exactly how it's run, you can't really speak for what they do and don't need.

This is who I am.

What is life without living? How can I live when I feel like I'm not living. The repetitiveness of this path I've taken makes me feel like I'm a train running circle, seeing the same sights over and over again. I see the same face and solve the same problems, over and over again day after day. There is no satisfaction in this life, there is no purpose in this work. I don't know where it went, I do not know if it was ever there or if I was just deluded by money and sense of power.

It's my first job where I felt like an adult. Like I was in control of my life, but as things have progressed and as the company changed I feel control slipping out of my hands. Not only are my bosses taking control out of my hands but I feel like time is loosening my grip as well. As in, the longer I wait to make things different for myself the more trapped I'm getting in this situation. And that's the scariest thing, being stuck here forever, or until old age.

Maybe I have delusions of grandeur, maybe I'm blinded by my own need for purpose. I know purpose isn't handed out, I know you create your own purpose, you find your own reason for living. I know what I want, but the materials I've been handed have no way of creating that life, that dream.

Dreams are real, by the way. I know I sound like a Disney movie, but I truly and honestly believe with all my heart that dreams can be obtained if we only work at it. I think that's my issue now. I'm on my own in this, if someone had shown me the path to my dream I'd sprint all the way down it. but that's not how life works, besides that takes all the fun out of the adventure. and life is supposed to be a grand adventure, despite right now, I'm sitting and waiting...or maybe that's the problem, I'm sitting and waiting for opportunity to present itself, but it doesn't just show up.

I've got to go searching, I've got to understand myself and know what I want and then go find it. Maybe that's it, I have an idea, but it really hasn't taken shape or form. I need to shape and form what I want in order to be able to find it.

But it'so difficult, and I know I said it's supposed to be. The long hours of my job leave little time for myself. It's, painstakingly difficult to find time for me. This helps. This just may be the things I need to get my focus together. To dream is one thing, to put it into words is another.

I started writing this because I wanted a place to vent all of my frustrations about work, but in venting I clear my head a little every time. I think clearer and I understand more about myself than I have in a long time.

I love writing. I haven't said that in such a long time. It's the first thing in a long time that I've said about myself that I know is more than a hobby. I absolutely love this part of me, and oh god how I missed it. I've always wanted to write a novel, but this is a good start. I like this feeling of putting my thoughts and words down "on paper" so to speak.

You'll have to pardon my ramblings in this post. Additionally, pardon the shorter posts. They come from my phone and are usually written during the work day. But it's late and as much as I'd love to write more and more posts, I know I need to sleep.

Good night!

Business and Morality

I think about quitting a lot. More than I have in the past.  Especially after the stories I hear. I'm not usually one to believe in rumors or gossip. But I am in a position where I can find out the truth easy enough and the things I'm finding out hit me where it hurts. I've been told that the people I work for are good people and that I should trust them. But its difficult when I know that some of this stuff is wrong.  It's really wrong. I know in my heart that it's wrong. I can't stand that.

I'm a good person,  at least I try, and this kind of thing drives me insane.  How can you treat people like this. I understand that things need to grow and move faster and more needs doing,  But keeping you're employees in the dark about everything and just constantly stabbing them in the back frustrates me to know end.  And I don't know how long my moral compass can endure it. 

I'm destined for other things,  I know this.  But while I'm here I feel like I should, no,  I need to do something about it.

Destiny, fate or what?

I don't believe in fate or Destiny.  I don't like the idea of a predetermined outcome.  That's why I don't like feeling trapped in my job. I feel like I'm sticking myself to this fate that I don't want.  There are other things i could be doing with my talents and abilities.  I'm no idiot by far.

I'd Like to write. Be a writer.  The last time I thought that was possible I was in elementary scjool. The dream just got so far away from me after that.  I'd say I stopped believing in myself. But I've always thought I could do anything I put my mind to. But the truth is I'm a little lazy. Well maybe not just a little. A lot.

And I really am a realist at heart.  Maybe I just thought it was beyond me. That even if I had talent the chances of success would be low. Who knows. But I just want to change that. I want to try.

Sunset

When was the last time I saw the sunset?  I thought about that today on my drive home because during tgat drive, for the first time in a while I saw one. Obviously because of the change of the seasons anytime I left previously the sun was already down.  But in addition to that I always work past sundown and that will continue into the summer. It's a sad thing really. The world is so beautiful at sunset.

Numbers

Here's the thing about my job. It's unrealistic to the point of being laughable. Most of the goals set up for people or groups to take on are particularly stupid. The truth of the matter is that they expect every person to perform as well as the top performer.  Every player the Tom Brady of their position.  One of the best.  (That's the only football analogy I'll use because I don't know too much about football). Moving forward though understand that they need more numbers and higher profits. But it seems they're willing ro simply shut down people's lives for it and that's something that I believe is wrong. Maybe it's because I've been here since the beginning and I remember what its like to feel like you're cared about.  That I could talk to the CEO. But we've grown so much and so many rungs have been added to the ladder above me it's like I don't even exist anymore. And I have a big roll communicating between almost all of the departments but now I have more bosses than I can count people who don't understand how this works and why numbers fluctuate in certain patterns. They don't care they just want more. And I understand that's what they're there for. Bosses want results but man, at the cost of the lives of their employees. It's horrible.

Yawn.

I think the time I hate this place the most is when I'm tired. I just think a lot about how little sleep I'm getting on top of how much time I don't have. It's stupid how much time I spend here when I coukd be doing something else. Something more productive than this. I need to get back to school and I need to get in shape.  I made a joke about dying young from heart disease but that's an actual thing that can happen as a result of spending so much time here. Look at my boss, he's fat and he doesn't even care. He's here all the time.

Fuck man.  I hate feeling restricted...or constricted?  Yeah,  constricted. Like I'm in a bind and I can't get out.  Oh well. I think I need to make a change,  but where?

This is it?

This is what I like. That was easy. Just a little bit ago I was talking about how I'd didn't know what I liked or what enjoyed but soon after I finished it I realized that was what I liked. Maybe it's just venting and getting my thoughts out I'm not sure but I like this it clears my mind and I can do it from mt phone.  Easy right.  Much more simple than some of the other things I was thinking of.

But this feels good like I've grasped a part of me back. Maybe I'm I am overreacting and maybe tomorrow I'll be done with this but right now I like it and it feels good. 

I don't really want to go back into the office. I'm enjoying this too much. Putting mt thoughts down in writing.  Doesn't even matter if someone reads or not. The act itself is satisfying. But I must work because getting in trouble is not on my list of things to do today. Oh well. Maybe when I return home I can write more.

My health

I worry about my health working here. The 50-60 hour weeks are augmented by the hour drive. The cumulative 60-70 leaves me with little time to focus on my well being. I'm expected to throw my entire being into the work.

That leaves me wonder what's to become of me. I'm terrified of getting the standard treatment of working males in this day and age. Plagued by heart disease and an early death.

That brings me to another point.  My mental health seems like it can barely hold together as of late. I'm not even sure what I enjoy or who I am.

I had time off last week and I found that I had forgotten my hobbies and passions. Or maybe not that I had forgotten but that I had lost my drive to complete them to even try. Filled with doubts such as what's the point, I won't be able to continue this anyway once my little vacation ends. The thought of a life like that drives me insane.  I know I used to enjoy things I used to have passion an drive to complete things but not I feel ashamed that I'm content to simply browse the web for a little before bed.

It's like I'm looking in the mirror and watching myself fade into a husk of myself.

I'm sorry, in being melodramatic.  But I guess that's the way I've been feeling lately. But this helped. And I feel a little bit better I think.

Post 1

I'm so mad. I don't even know why. Maybe it's just this building itself that sends me into this mood. Maybe it's the atmosphere.  I'm not sure. It's the fact that I get no satisfaction whatsoever from being here or working here. It's the lack of vision or ambition. I feel like I'm pressing against a ceiling and it just won't give.

It's this place. I hate it. But I need it. I can't make this kind of money anywhere else. This is what happens without a college degree. You get trapped in a place that you don't want to be.