Artificial Dreams

I'm concerned for my own well being, not physically, but mentally more than anything. I'm so tired of being tired all the time. The logic is senseless and useless. The outdated mentality that in order for a business to be productive you have to suck the lives and health of your employees simply baffles me. It's our blood, sweat and tears that are converted into money. I feel like dreams of something reasonable have gone out the window with the revelation that I may have to work my life away. I don't have time to do much else other than work, and that's not living to me, that's dying the slowest possible death.

I look at my life as it is now and see a decaying corpse; a zombie, moving, yet not alive. I wonder if I am really me anymore and I doubt that this is such as grand an opportunity as I had previously thought. sure I can make, sure I can have money, but at the cost of what? My dreams, aspirations, and hopes? At the cost of who I am? I already know the me from a couple years ago is dying. He hates this, and it's making him sick. What I thought was simply a cold has become a cancer of the soul. Eating away at what I once held dear. I'm told that those who I work for are good men, and I want to believe that, but can those who hold money so dear as to grind into dust those who earn it sends me morally spiraling. I hope that the messenger is the one who contorts and destroys the message, but it's beginning to seem as if nobody has the truth or wants to give the truth.

A corporation is not a person. A corporation is not a person. A corporation is not a person. But the lifeblood of one is a collection of people. But blood is easily replaceable. Easily forgotten. Only the brain, the heart the essential organs are important and even some of those are replaceable. But they all forget about the blood. And they forget that if they lose too much blood at once, they all die too. Just like you take care of your body you need to take care of your people. But I guess that's too much to ask.

Burnout.

I'm tired man. Really tired, I can't keep this up. I shouldn't even have started, I should have said no. I'm burning out faster than I'd like and I'm seeing the symptoms.

"Burnout is caused by stressors that a person is unable to cope with fully. Occupational burnout often develops slowly and may not be recognized until it has become severe. When one's expectations about a job and its reality differ, burnout can begin. ^[1]

Symptoms of burnout include dysfunctional attitudes towards work, exhaustion, loss of motivation, distress, and feelings of ineffectiveness"

Yeah, that's a good description right there. Additionally, absurdly long hours also don't contribute well to this feeling. I don't really have much else to say right now, I'm just too tired.

Fair?

As much as I'd like to be, I can't be happy with this place. There's too much going on all the time that I don't agree with. What am I supposed to do when the grass is dying on the other side? I'm given fertilizer, water and sunlight but when a look at the other side, the other people and everything looks terrible, and the sun has been blocked out. It's not okay, not okay at all, and it happens all too frequently here. There's a vast different between the golden children and the re headed step children. There's no in between. And being on the top and looking down only gives me a much wider view of the destruction plaguing them.

But ugh. What can be done about it? I speak, I speak a lot, but maybe I just need more doing.

Friday the 13th

I'm struggling today, more so than most days. I'm not mad, I'm not sad I'm simply apathetic. I couldn't will myself to car even if I wanted to. there's not much motivation for today, maybe it's because I finally saw my best friend for the first time in over a year. It just makes me yearn for simpler times. Or maybe today is just the Friday the 13th jitters. I'm not even sure how to describe the feelings I'm having today. I just want to go home.

Just not feeling it

I'm just not feeling it today. I'm really ready to just go home and go back to bed. I feel like I could fill today with one long sigh and that would be exactly how I'm feeling right now. No really, forget this. It's like office space, I just don't care. I wish I had other options. I just need time to think and I feel like I don't ever have that.

Spring!?

I hate having days off, all they remind me of is my time constraints and how much I could be doing if it wasn't for those constraints. I took my girlfriend out to lunch for the first time in forever and I got a bunch of errands done that I never could have have done otherwise. It's just a constant reminder of what I could be doing if I was working normal hours. I could be living a normal life, instead of this hollowed out version devoid of any real presence. With spring upon us, or at least a few warm days it sucks even worse than previously posted, now I know the weather is right for doing the things I'd like to do but that isn't something that can happen. It's just annoying is all, but I'm hoping with the changes coming at work it won't be for too much longer that I'll have to suffer through this madness.

Stretch

I've mentioned fate before here. It's not something in fond of still. I'd like to think that my future is in my hands. But, others I just wish I could let go and put my faith,  my future,  into someone else's hands. I'm not sure where I stand on religion.  I want to be this faithful person, but I just can't force myself to do it. But I'd like it if I could just relax a little bit. Just have that blind faith that things will turn out alright.

I'm not against hard work and achieving my goals with my own two hands. In fact I idolize those who do that.  At times the feeling of being trapped where I am drives me insane. I know logically I'm not, I could quit and be done with it, but also logically I have bills to pay and I can't afford to quit.

I don't know. I really don't know anything,  I just ramble like a mad man and I don't follow through as well as I should.

I'm happy with my life, but I'm not content.  Or maybe I'm saying that because my frame of reference is worldly.  I'm not homeless or starving.  I have an education,  friends and family. I'm grateful for those things. But in the frame of just my life, I do want more.

For some people it just falls into their lap.  Forget them.  I'm gonna do it with these hands for myself.  No fate, no destiny. I'm going to do it.

Workplace Pioneer

I just can't even will myself to care anymore. I'm too tired, far too tired to even acknowledge this place. I don't think I've been this done in a long time. Too may hours too little outside life, and I can't do it, honestly. It's stretching me thin and burning me out. I miss my bed, I miss my things, I miss my family. I think most of my family and how little Is see them as of late. I always said once I got a car I'd visit them as often as I could, but with hours like these, that's not very often and I hate that more than anything. I miss them.

When I was younger I went on a hike, but not just any hike. It was a 3 day hike simulating pioneers, we had to pull these carts loaded with food and gear up and down hills for hours and hours from sun up until sun down in the heat of summer. I specifically remember one night laying down on the ground to sleep, staring up at the sky and thinking to my self "I'm so tired right now, death sounds like a relief." Don't get me wrong, I am by no means suicidal, but at that point in time I felt like sleeping forever would be the only real restful sleep I could get.

I use that story as a sort of measuring point in my life, as in "Well I'm not as tired as I was then, so I can probably continue onwards." I never thought I would reach a point like that again in my life, not unless it was by my own will to do some crazy hike again. But this, this surpasses that, it's a walk without respite, a journey with no end. And that's how tired I feel. When I lay down at night I think to myself "I don't want to do this anymore. I just want to sleep."

I'm not fond of that feeling, not one bit. It would be on thing if I were at my dream job and I was tired because I enjoyed my work. But none of that is true, and the result is this. I'm tired, and I can't do this anymore.

Tomfoolery: How to die a slow death.

This job is affecting my relationship. The hours are making me irritable and I feel like when I get tired I stop thinking rationally. I blame my significant other for things that aren't really her fault. I'm not okay with feeling like this, or with doing these things. It's not me, it's not who I am. The hours are too long and it creates tension between me and her. She worries and she's right to be worried. I'm afraid of falling asleep at the wheel and I'm afraid of not waking up in the morning due to exhaustion.

Every morning it gets harder and harder to wake up and I care less and less about even showing up. There's a large part of me that says I should just stop showing up, stay in bed and get some sleep. My girlfriend asked me the other day if I am one of those people who are willing to be miserable for the sake of money. I didn't really have an answer for her. I'm not willing to return to making chump change at my local grocer, nor was I even happy with my previous lifestyle, but I'm not particularly happy here as well. I'm torn between making money and being happy. Money doesn't equal happiness, but it does help regardless of what anyone says.

The Tl;dr of the matter is, I'm tired of this place and the shenanigans associated with it. It's wrong on too many levels, and it's affecting me in too strong of a way.

Secrecy and miners.

What's the motivation behind this place. So much is cloaked in shadow and mystery.  I understand that a lot of what goes on behind the scenes is mostly for leadership eyes only. But too much of it affects our work at the bottom. Even my boss is only privy to some of what's going on up above. It seems like a bad practice to inhibit productivity on the basis of...what? Secrecy?  Because you know better? 

Listen to me for a second.  If I owned a mining company,  and my executives and senior management all sat in an office building with me, who would know how to mine better? Me or the guys down in the mine shafts?

That's the kind of backwards thinking that is affecting businesses these days. Nobody thinks that the guy running the show at the bottom knows anything and yet they expect them to follow the what they say to a T and even to go beyond that.

If I tell my imaginary miners that we're switching their tools to a new drill that we say is better, but in reality when they use it they tell me it sucks, should I ignore that and ask why productivity is low or pay attention, realize the mistake and give back the more efficient equipment.

It's stupid to ignore the complaints and issues from the people who know best or at least have the experience.  Because until you are down in that mine, understanding exactly how it's run, you can't really speak for what they do and don't need.

This is who I am.

What is life without living? How can I live when I feel like I'm not living. The repetitiveness of this path I've taken makes me feel like I'm a train running circle, seeing the same sights over and over again. I see the same face and solve the same problems, over and over again day after day. There is no satisfaction in this life, there is no purpose in this work. I don't know where it went, I do not know if it was ever there or if I was just deluded by money and sense of power.

It's my first job where I felt like an adult. Like I was in control of my life, but as things have progressed and as the company changed I feel control slipping out of my hands. Not only are my bosses taking control out of my hands but I feel like time is loosening my grip as well. As in, the longer I wait to make things different for myself the more trapped I'm getting in this situation. And that's the scariest thing, being stuck here forever, or until old age.

Maybe I have delusions of grandeur, maybe I'm blinded by my own need for purpose. I know purpose isn't handed out, I know you create your own purpose, you find your own reason for living. I know what I want, but the materials I've been handed have no way of creating that life, that dream.

Dreams are real, by the way. I know I sound like a Disney movie, but I truly and honestly believe with all my heart that dreams can be obtained if we only work at it. I think that's my issue now. I'm on my own in this, if someone had shown me the path to my dream I'd sprint all the way down it. but that's not how life works, besides that takes all the fun out of the adventure. and life is supposed to be a grand adventure, despite right now, I'm sitting and waiting...or maybe that's the problem, I'm sitting and waiting for opportunity to present itself, but it doesn't just show up.

I've got to go searching, I've got to understand myself and know what I want and then go find it. Maybe that's it, I have an idea, but it really hasn't taken shape or form. I need to shape and form what I want in order to be able to find it.

But it'so difficult, and I know I said it's supposed to be. The long hours of my job leave little time for myself. It's, painstakingly difficult to find time for me. This helps. This just may be the things I need to get my focus together. To dream is one thing, to put it into words is another.

I started writing this because I wanted a place to vent all of my frustrations about work, but in venting I clear my head a little every time. I think clearer and I understand more about myself than I have in a long time.

I love writing. I haven't said that in such a long time. It's the first thing in a long time that I've said about myself that I know is more than a hobby. I absolutely love this part of me, and oh god how I missed it. I've always wanted to write a novel, but this is a good start. I like this feeling of putting my thoughts and words down "on paper" so to speak.

You'll have to pardon my ramblings in this post. Additionally, pardon the shorter posts. They come from my phone and are usually written during the work day. But it's late and as much as I'd love to write more and more posts, I know I need to sleep.

Good night!

Business and Morality

I think about quitting a lot. More than I have in the past.  Especially after the stories I hear. I'm not usually one to believe in rumors or gossip. But I am in a position where I can find out the truth easy enough and the things I'm finding out hit me where it hurts. I've been told that the people I work for are good people and that I should trust them. But its difficult when I know that some of this stuff is wrong.  It's really wrong. I know in my heart that it's wrong. I can't stand that.

I'm a good person,  at least I try, and this kind of thing drives me insane.  How can you treat people like this. I understand that things need to grow and move faster and more needs doing,  But keeping you're employees in the dark about everything and just constantly stabbing them in the back frustrates me to know end.  And I don't know how long my moral compass can endure it. 

I'm destined for other things,  I know this.  But while I'm here I feel like I should, no,  I need to do something about it.

Destiny, fate or what?

I don't believe in fate or Destiny.  I don't like the idea of a predetermined outcome.  That's why I don't like feeling trapped in my job. I feel like I'm sticking myself to this fate that I don't want.  There are other things i could be doing with my talents and abilities.  I'm no idiot by far.

I'd Like to write. Be a writer.  The last time I thought that was possible I was in elementary scjool. The dream just got so far away from me after that.  I'd say I stopped believing in myself. But I've always thought I could do anything I put my mind to. But the truth is I'm a little lazy. Well maybe not just a little. A lot.

And I really am a realist at heart.  Maybe I just thought it was beyond me. That even if I had talent the chances of success would be low. Who knows. But I just want to change that. I want to try.