What is life without living? How can I live when I feel like I'm not living. The repetitiveness of this path I've taken makes me feel like I'm a train running circle, seeing the same sights over and over again. I see the same face and solve the same problems, over and over again day after day. There is no satisfaction in this life, there is no purpose in this work. I don't know where it went, I do not know if it was ever there or if I was just deluded by money and sense of power.
It's my first job where I felt like an adult. Like I was in control of my life, but as things have progressed and as the company changed I feel control slipping out of my hands. Not only are my bosses taking control out of my hands but I feel like time is loosening my grip as well. As in, the longer I wait to make things different for myself the more trapped I'm getting in this situation. And that's the scariest thing, being stuck here forever, or until old age.
Maybe I have delusions of grandeur, maybe I'm blinded by my own need for purpose. I know purpose isn't handed out, I know you create your own purpose, you find your own reason for living. I know what I want, but the materials I've been handed have no way of creating that life, that dream.
Dreams are real, by the way. I know I sound like a Disney movie, but I truly and honestly believe with all my heart that dreams can be obtained if we only work at it. I think that's my issue now. I'm on my own in this, if someone had shown me the path to my dream I'd sprint all the way down it. but that's not how life works, besides that takes all the fun out of the adventure. and life is supposed to be a grand adventure, despite right now, I'm sitting and waiting...or maybe that's the problem, I'm sitting and waiting for opportunity to present itself, but it doesn't just show up.
I've got to go searching, I've got to understand myself and know what I want and then go find it. Maybe that's it, I have an idea, but it really hasn't taken shape or form. I need to shape and form what I want in order to be able to find it.
But it'so difficult, and I know I said it's supposed to be. The long hours of my job leave little time for myself. It's, painstakingly difficult to find time for me. This helps. This just may be the things I need to get my focus together. To dream is one thing, to put it into words is another.
I started writing this because I wanted a place to vent all of my frustrations about work, but in venting I clear my head a little every time. I think clearer and I understand more about myself than I have in a long time.
I love writing. I haven't said that in such a long time. It's the first thing in a long time that I've said about myself that I know is more than a hobby. I absolutely love this part of me, and oh god how I missed it. I've always wanted to write a novel, but this is a good start. I like this feeling of putting my thoughts and words down "on paper" so to speak.
You'll have to pardon my ramblings in this post. Additionally, pardon the shorter posts. They come from my phone and are usually written during the work day. But it's late and as much as I'd love to write more and more posts, I know I need to sleep.
Good night!
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